Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Teaching...I Learned in a Restaurant, Part 1

One of my career aspirations was to be a waitress.  At T.G.I. Friday's.  Oh yes, I set my sights high.  I was just in awe of those uniforms.  So many cool pins, and hats, and FLAIR! I even remember playing restaurant and pretending to be a waitress with my tiny notepad.  I was so cool.  Don’t be jealous.

Unlike my myriad of other career aspirations (actress, fashion designer, singer), I actually achieved this one.  For a long time actually…perhaps longer than I had originally had intended, but whatever.  I began my restaurant career at a theme restaurant in Orlando as a hostess.  From there, I moved on to a popular chicken wing establishment, a few other theme restaurants, and some fine dining places thrown in the mix.  I loved it.  I thrived on it.  I met some awesome people.  I still firmly believe that restaurant people are some of the best people EVER.

But all good things must come to an end.  I still pick up a random restaurant shift every once in awhile, but tips are no longer my major source of income.  No, that honor belongs to the school district, or the government, or…well, to be honest, I actually don’t know WHO writes my my monthly checks, but some money is direct deposited into my account each month, and I think that is just fantastic.  Thanks teaching!

While I no longer put “waitress” or “server” on the line next to employment, I am forever grateful to my days (and nights) in the restaurant business.  In fact, I learned SO MUCH from my various restaurant jobs that I put to good use in the classroom.  For example…

How to Eat Really Fast

On paper, teachers get an average of 20 minutes for lunch time.  And this seems like a good chunk of time, enough to allow you to eat at a fairly leisurely pace.  But then you have to account for life:
*Subtract 1 minute as you wait for the kids from the previous class to vacate and clean the table.
*Subtract 2 minutes as you help a student who forgot his lunch number pay for his food.
*Subtract the 1 minute it takes to walk from the lunch room, stop at your mailbox, and get to the staff lounge.
*Subtract 2 minutes for the time it takes to run back to your classroom because you forgot your water bottle (insert appropriate #smh motion here).
*Subtract the 30 seconds it takes to walk from the staff lounge back to the lunch room and pick up your kids.

*Subtract 3 minutes as you get your class up and remind the appropriate students of their weekly responsibility to wipe down the table an sweep up under the table.

So that leisurely 20 minutes has now dwindled to negative 2 minutes.  No, only kidding.  Rather, 20 minutes is now roughly 10 and a half minutes, give or take a few to account for random emergencies that pop up (a parent wants to have a mini-conference with you as you drop your kids off, a student loses a tooth, this is now the end of the world, and they need you to walk them to the nurse ASAP, etc. etc.), but also for those days when everything goes right (think of it as making every green light as you drive to work) and you have *gasp* 15 whole minutes to yourself.

Granted, I shouldn’t complain, as I’ve had a fair amount of practice with, uh, abbreviated lunch times.
A server’s lunch break is usually…
2:00pm:  Order food from the kitchen because the lunch rush is over.
2:08-2:10 pm:  Get four brand-new tables in a span of 2 minutes.
2:11pm:  Watch as ordered food arrives in the window.
2:12-2:30pm:  Gaze longingly at said ordered food as you take care of your four new tables.
2:30-2:33pm:  Bring your food to the back and shove it into your mouth before your tables need anything.

Oh, and of course there is the joy of hearing the rumor that there might be "dead food" in the back.  In server speak, this means that there is some food that has been prepared and is no longer needed, or, “bonus food,” as I like to refer to it.  When this happens, severs immediately become vultures and descend on said food, until it is nothing more than an empty plate in a matter of mere minutes.

How to Hold My Pee for a REALLY long time

I went on a field trip to the circus as a child.  The destination was about an hour bus ride away.  I didn’t use the bathroom the entire time.  That was, what, nine hours or so?  If I recall this memory correctly, I think I was just too shy to ask where the bathroom was, so my solution to this problem was…just don’t ask.  Brilliant.  When we returned, I booked it to the restroom and peed for a full minute.  I don’t think I had EVER had to pee so bad in my life (which, to that point, was about 8 years on the planet).  Until I waited tables.

Customers always need something…to be greeted, to be checked on, to order, a refill, their food, their check, to pay…among other things.  When all of these things are right at the forefront of your mind (usually more than one at a time), the urge to pee somehow takes a backseat.  And then, 6 hours later, your shift ends.  And that’s when you realize Oh wow, I haven’t peed since the start of this shift!  And the urge is stronger than you ever thought it could be.  

So I suppose you could say my years as a waitress trained my bladder to go for several hours without a bathroom break.  So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

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How to Laugh at Jokes That Aren’t Really Funny

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting co….

Mooooooo!!

Ah, the jokes that kids tell.  Wait, have you heard this one?

Why did the football coach go to the bank?

Because he wanted to get his Quarter Back!

Bwwwaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaa.

Ok, I’ll stop now, otherwise you’ll be laughing to hard to continue reading.

Kids find things funny that adults just…don’t.  Case in point:  I saw the movie Oliver and Company at the precious age of 7.  There is a scene in the movie where the little chihuahua is trying to hot wire a car, things go awry, and he ends up getting almost electrocuted (but that funny cartoon Disney way of getting electrocuted).  His line following that is: “It’s hard to watch the kid when you’re getting barbecued, man!”  And my 7-year-old self laughed…and laughed..and laughed.  Oh my, I had never SEEN anything so funny!  I’m not quite sure what struck me as being so uproariously hilarious, but I just thought it was.  (If you were born after 1988 and you have no idea what movie I’m referring to, here is the clip of which I speak:  https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks4JY1vNlBg).

So my point is this:  kids laugh at the most random things.  Oh so random.  And they love to tell you the jokes that they read on their Popsicle sticks or their Laffy Taffy wrappers (I WOULD say Bazooka gum wrappers, but that may be a bit too back in the day).  They read them.  To you.  And wait for a laugh.  So you, being the sweet, PC teacher that you are…laugh.  Or smile.  Or something to show that this isn't the 87 billionth time that you’ve heard that joke.

Luckily enough, servers get the joy of laughing at stupid jokes too.  Of course, there’s the oldie but goodie “Oh, I just hated it!” as the guest points to his empty plate that you suspect has possibly even been licked clean.  Female servers also have the joy of hearing the half-joke/half-pickup-line hybrids.  My favorite of which has got to be:

Male guest:  I’ll have an iced tea.

Female server:  Would you like sweet or unsweet tea?

Male guest:  Oh, just put your finger in it, and that’ll sweeten it up enough for me. (Wink wink)

I alluded to the fact that I worked in a popular chicken wing restaurant in my early serving days.  This chicken wing establishment catered mostly to males who liked women in orange shorts.  Suffice to say, I partook in the above word exchange fairly frequently.  And every time, I put that smile on my face that the guest seems to think means “Oh, ha ha, that’s the first time I’ve heard that.  How sweet and creative of you!” But really means “Seriously?  Dude, I’ve got 6 other tables.  Let’s get on with this, give me your order, so I can go back to my other tables that might actually tip me upwards of 15%.”*

So teachers, new and seasoned, my advice to you is this:  perfect that teacher smile and teacher laugh, and get ready to find out why 6 was afraid of 7 (because 7 ATE 9!!  Hahahahahahahaha!!!)

*Just a little PSA…tip your servers.  Please.  Anything below 20% is a crappy tip.  Your servers work hard to make sure you enjoy your meal, so please show it.  With an actual, monetary tip, rather than a verbal one.